Merry Christmas (courtesy of Riccardo)

Ten things I have learned since last Monday

1. Babies do smell nice, and not, as I have maintained for years, of melon.

2. I can type with my left hand.

3. When people say, 'you'll forget all the pain as soon as you see your beautiful baby', they are either lying or freaks.

4. Poo is not cute when it belongs to your own baby. It's still gross.

5. We have never really given the cat enough props for her self-cleaning abilities.

6. It is better if, when you are told you require emergency surgery, not to have that statement followed up with 'but you'll have to wait a short while, because someone else is in there having it right now, and she's having a haemorrhage'.

7. Babies are 100% feeling, 0% reason.

8. Major abdominal surgery, care of a newborn, and visiting hours which require your support network to disappear for 12 hour stretches, are not a happy combination.

9. Sleep is not overrated. As Joni once said, you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone...

10. My baby really IS the most beautiful and intelligent one that ever there was.

Gretel Rose

no news is no news

Well, here we are at the weekend and still nothing to report. Baby-wise that is. Thea's show was fantastic - the highlight for me being 'blue christmas', as the vocal was just stunning. The whole show was really great though. And Alan had a spare guest list place, so Alice got in for free at the last minute too. Was really nice to have so many people - James, Alice, Riccardo, Kerena and Alan all there for (probably) the last pre-baby gig. Though Amy Wadge is playing the Half Moon in Putney on the 9th, if there is no news by then...

Watched 'Sweeney Todd' with Alice yesterday. It was pretty good, given that it was essentially one long murder-fest with singing. But Johnny Depp can really do no wrong.

Turns out Salon picked up on my research as well as Jezebel after the Guardian piece came out. All good news for me. Alice has been helping (read: entirely doing) with my new website, where all my professional/academic stuff will live. www.deborahfinding.com Hurrah!

Now going to have a shower and probably head off to Oxford for Zoe and William's tea party for Nahum. I'm hoping an inconvenient distance from the hospital will prompt labour to start...

A tale of two Christmas albums

Well, not a tale exactly - more an observation that Thea Gilmore's 'Strange Communion' kicks Tori Amos' 'Midwinter Graces' out of the room, house, street and town. The difference between them is really quite something. As such, tonight's Tori Amos show at the Jazz Cafe, showcasing the album, will be the first time in about 6 years that she's done a London show that I have not attended. But tomorrow night, my last pre-baby gig will be Thea Gilmore's show at Bush Hall, and I cannot wait. I know there are a few surprises in store, and I'm sure it will be fabulous.

No news here on the baby front. I had a massage today which was very nice, but made me wish I had had one much earlier. Dear God, how everything hurts. Movies this week a little thin on the ground so far:

Harry Brown (really very good indeed. Bleak though- like 'Gran Torino' with no funny)

No Reservations

So, Harry Brown is possibly my last cinema trip pre-baby, depending on when she arrives. Thea will be my last gig, unless I'm still sans-baby on 9th Dec, in which case I might make it over the the Half Moon in Putney to see Amy Wadge. Last art exhibition was Pop Life at the Tate Modern (lots of Andy Warhol and Tracey Emin, but actually the coolest thing to see was Damien Hirst's 'Golden Calf' which was strangely sad and affecting).

Three out of six NCT-ers have now had their babies (two queue-jumpers...I was supposed to be second!). Everyone's been early so far. Apart from me. Baby now officially 'late', but this is clearly ridiculous, given that 'term' is anything from 37 to 42 weeks of pregnancy. Yet when you go to make your 41 week appointment, the receptionist says 'oh dear' and looks at you pityingly... clearly there is only one 24 hour period in which it is acceptable to have the baby. Having said that, if this baby was 100% my DNA, she would have arrived on time, as I'm a bit of a stickler for time-keeping. Sadly those MacKenzie genes probably mean she'll start off a bit late, get half way out, then realise she's forgotten something and have to go back :)

movies, waiting, reading, waiting, eating, waiting

Movies seen now include:

Law Abiding Citizen

P.S. I Love You

Saving Sarah Cain

Enchanted

Books I am currently reading:

The Suspicions Of Mr Whicher - Kate Summerscale

Starting Over - Tony Parsons

A Swamp Full Of Dollars - Michael Peel

I blame late pregnancy for my sudden inability to concentrate on one book - reading three concurrently is very unlike me (and something I abhor in others!). I feel most ashamed not to have finished Michael's book yet, as he's a good friend, and the book has been shortlisted for the Guardian first book award. Awards happen on 2nd December, and while everyone suggests 'it's a fiction year', he's done amazingly well to be the only non-fiction entry to even make the shortlist. And what I have read so far is truly excellent.

Despite me giving up 'Heat' once I discovered we were having a girl, James has kindly stockpiled some copies to keep me going during labour and any hospital waiting around that happens. After that, it's back to cold turkey.

Speaking of turkey, we're still planning to have Christmas dinner at our house, crazy as it might seem with a newborn. Yesterday, we bought an enormous (8 kilo) ham, and James is in the kitchen right now pouring all sorts of exciting goodness into a bucket to marinate/cure/brine it until it finally gets cooked in a few weeks. Including salt peter, which we got under the counter from a source who made us promise not to mix it with the thing that turns it into gunpowder (or the baby might come early after all). I can't wait for Christmas. I know we're going to be tired, but it will be our first family Christmas, and I have embarrassing santa outfits for both the baby and the cat - watch this space for a Christmas Day photo. I reckon we'll have about 5 minutes to take it in before mutiny sets in (from the cat) or vomiting occurs (baby).

Baby is technically due tomorrow, but I am extremely doubtful that she'll turn up then. Or even in the next week. In fact, I'm sort of at the stage where I'm not sure there will even BE a baby. It's like I've been pregnant for so long that I've accepted it as my lot in life... I'm not sure I really believe in a non-pregnant existence with an actual baby :)

So, this week I have plans to have coffee with the NCT-ers, go to the Thea Gilmore show on Thursday, and then maybe to Zoe and William's tea party for Nahum in Oxford on Saturday. We'll see how it all pans out... If things get really late, I comfort myself that there is an Orla Kiely sample sale on in Brick Lane on the 10th December. If baby is not here by then, I will go and buy a bag to cheer myself up. I hope she's not too long after that! I always thought it sucked for people who had their birthdays in the school holidays, and of course the closer it gets to Christmas, the more you have the 'one present for both' scenario to contend with :( My Granny's birthday is December 11th, and I guess it would be cool if they shared a birthday. After that, I'm all out of fun, and will just sit and home drinking raspberry tea and eating curry.

the cat mirrors my mood

More movies, more waiting

Clearly the last stage of pregnancy is characterised by being enormous...and sitting around. I'm too big and uncomfortable to do anything, but too not-catatonic to do nothing. So I end up doing things that either make me very tired through having to leave the house and walking, or things that only involve sitting on the sofa. Sigh. Apart from going to the pool and jacuzzi, which is a lifesaver, especially with the hell that is SPD.

Anyway, movies I have seen now include:

A Mighty Heart

2012

The Bucket List

hmm...I feel sure there are more

Marcus Brigstocke was very funny, and Dar Williams was as good and as lovely as always. Today and tomorrow I'm going to the O2 to see the tennis. Today, Nadal v Soderling and Djokovic v Davydenko, and tomorrow Del Potro v Verdasco and Murray v Federer. There's doubles as well, but I'll have to see how I am coping - if I'm too uncomfortable the plan is for me to go and lie down in the car for a bit with pillows and duvet. Sad, isn't it?

On Wednesday, the remainder (apart from a few tiny bits) of my Christmas shopping should be delivered, and I will be wrapping things in a fiendishly organised manner. Then there is nothing in the diary (apart from coffee and cake with my fellow suffering NCTers) until 30th November, which is the day the baby is supposed to arrive. HAHAHA. I highly doubt we will be seeing any baby action on that day, as only 5% of babies arrive on their due date, and 75% come later. But I am so damn uncomfortable, I will be trying everything I can to hurry things along by then. So far, I have heard that the following things help bring on labour:

Curry

Sex

Pineapple

Red Raspberry Leaf Tea

Champagne

Walking

Anyone know any more? I will be trying them all in various combinations (apart from the walking too much, as that is too painful). I'm already on the raspberry tea, as it's supposed to help anyway.

Amanda Palmer writes to Robert Smith

If you've got a spare half hour, her letter is sweet, entertaining, slightly annoying, and cool.

Well, well, well

PhD has been submitted, and baby is two weeks away (allegedly). I've spent the last couple of weeks trying (and mostly failing) to unwind and generally chill. To that end, I signed up for one month of Sky Sports and Sky Movies, which has meant access to the tennis Masters tournaments (and the ATP tour finals next week) and that I have watched a ton of movies. Also managed quite a few cinema trips. So in the last two weeks I have seen:

Up

The Men Who Stare At Goats

An Education

This Is It

The Other Boleyn Girl

27 Dresses

August Rush

Definitely Maybe

Made Of Honor

The Jane Austen Book Club

In The Name Of The Father

Planning to see 2012 and Harry Brown this week, and have another 20 movies or so sitting on my V+ box, waiting to be watched.

Have also managed to wade my way through some trashy novels, though am about to start the more worthy 'Suspicions of Mr Whicher'.

Other sociable pre-baby plans include: Dar Williams gig on Wednesday, Marcus Brigstocke on Thursday, two days of tickets for the ATP tour finals next week, and the Thea Gilmore show at Bush Hall, if baby has not made an appearance by 3rd Dec. However, I'm now feeling like I can't really do anything because I'm so enormous and everything hurts a lot, so I wouldn't be too disappointed if the baby were to turn up today and I could do none of this.

Once I've bought a new battery for my camera, which seems to have just stopped working, I will take some pictures of the nursery and post them, as the room is now ready, and it will probably never look so nice again :)

It was lovely to see loads of people on Friday night for my 'brief window of opportunity' party. I made the sort of food I will probably not have time to do for some time (I suspect that with a baby, putting tiny mozzarella balls, cherry tomatoes and individual basil leaves onto cocktail sticks will not be high on the agenda), including my first foray into cupcakes, which were very successful and well-received. I have to say that I was fairly exhausted by the end of it though, and as such, I barely left the house all weekend.

I've got a few admin/work-type things to do today, and then I am going to start drinking raspberry leaf tea (it's supposed to hurry things along) in earnest.

Flowchart to pick your ideal religion

I knew it would all come down to bacon in the end.

Nick Griffin on Question Time

What do you mean, this isn't exactly as it happened? Just goes to show 'revisionism' goes both ways, Nick...

Cat Domestic Drama

Vortex

Break from blogging hopefully explained by 'single figure days in which to submit PhD' status...

Sometimes Republicans make sense

The Facebook Song

Look at this completely unsexist plea for organ donation

oh no, wait...

Dressed Up Delivery Kit

I thought this was a joke. Turns out it isn't. Hmm... I think I'll be going the 'unrecognisable monster' route if it's all the same to everyone. Oh My God. Trying really, really hard not to rant here... someone else do it for me please!!

New episode of House

Loved it. Just goes to show, Hugh Laurie's character really is the only one you need in that show. Can't believe he's never had an Emmy for it.

More Tennis

Trying for a Kim Clijsters moment at 7 months pregnant. Managed to pull off the doubles trophy but not the singles :) Still, second doubles trophy in two weeks, so I can't really complain.

See the wine prize I cannot drink for another two months!

Hitler on Oasis Split

Ok, this is deeply wrong, but very funny.

Special delivery from Amazon

Why I left the countryside life

Quick update

James' birthday weekend in Suffolk was lovely. Perfect weather and lots of not-too-much to do. I have a couple of photos that I will put up soon...mainly of me mocking the countryside.

Yesterday we went to the New Forest for David's funeral. It was a very sad day, all in all, and we were pretty exhausted by the time we got home, after 11pm. Most odd moment probably goes to Mark Kermode introducing my unborn baby to someone but then forgetting to introduce me. Well, it's a first. And it was good to talk to him and Linda about work and films and all that. There was someone else from that Southampton film department as well, who was also really nice, and who sang 'Rhinestone Cowboy' (David's favourite!) at the end of the service.

Today, Alice and I are off to Greenbelt festival for the long weekend. I have packed nothing so had better stop rambling and get on with it...

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Sex with Ducks from Erika Lindhome on Vimeo.

Horrendous or Awesome?

I really can't decide.

Long and strange day

Having woken up on Saturday morning, hoping to do nothing much and just have a chilled Chiswick day, we got a phone call to say that James' father had died in the night. Though he had cancer, it was pretty unexpected and shocking to say the least. So we decided to head down to the New Forest where family were gathering in the local pub to try and assimilate the news. Turned out that for the most part, 'assimilate' meant 'drink enough to forget', and a few people were pretty trashed by the time we arrived. We stayed for a while, but then James decided that he would like to go to the hospital to see the body. His family were pretty anti the idea, having decided against it themselves, but it turned out to be a really good and helpful thing to do. It wasn't weird at all, and it was really useful, I think, to have that private space and moment in which to say goodbye. Funerals serve a purpose, no doubt, but there are so many different feelings and agendas flying around that I think it's often hard to get what you need, as an individual, out of it.

It was pretty late by the time we were done there and we thought we'd go and get some food. Southampton on a Saturday night turned out to be a very unattractive prospect indeed, so we decided to stop off at Winchester instead. After the first two places we tried were full, we finally found a table at Brasserie Blanc, where we had a really lovely supper and glass of wine (James) / champagne (me) to toast David, life and good food.

We got back to Chiswick just after midnight, exhausted, but actually kind of ok.

Today we've tried to have that calm day - we've been out to pick up coffee and pastries for breakfast, but other than that, we're just hanging out, watching some TV, eating leftovers and being quiet.

Lemonade

What people did when they got laid off from their ad agency in the recession. I really want to see this.

Back home

Tired. Too much work to do. Haven't unpacked. Tired.

Went to see 'Hamsters With Guns' (aka G-Force) with Alice - only because it was free, you understand. Alice seemed to have a little trouble with the plot, despite it being aimed at five year olds. We were going to have dinner afterwards, but I felt too tired, so I've just come home to crash.

zzzzzzzzz...

Edinburgh Day Five

Our last day brought the worst weather - rainy, windy and much colder. Definitely not as pleasant a walk to our first destination of the Pleasance Courtyard to see Domestic Goddi. It was a sketch show, and despite clearly referencing Nigella both in the title and the posters, there were no sketches giving her a gentle prod, which was a shame. I didn't actually enjoy the show very much - I thought the sketches were pretty mainstream and not very smart. Not that anyone would have fared well following Daniel Kitson on our schedule, but I was quite disappointed with this. There was a notable exception however - their parody of Top Gear, 'Hot Gear', in which women were test driving shoes was very funny indeed.

We walked over to The Tron in Hunter Square next to see (funny) singer-songwriter Gavin Osborn. He hadn't been on my original radar or our schedule, but then I discovered that he had been touring with Daniel Kitson (who plugged him in the show the night before), and spoke to Helen, who said that she and Claire went to see them both together a few times, and really enjoyed it. They even sent a CD through with Claire's favourite song of Gavin's after hearing that she had died. I didn't need any more reasons to go, and I'm so pleased we did. Gavin came up to talk to us before the show even started and was just lovely. I mentioned Claire and he remembered straightaway - and played the song (Charlie's 18th Birthday) as the last number in his set. The set was brilliant - very funny and sweet songs. We both absolutely loved it. Favourite songs for me were 'Jamie Cook', 'There's An Awful Lot Wrong With a Little Bump and Grind' and a song that wasn't on the record (which I bought) about being over 30. I will definitely go and see him next time he plays in London.

After his show, I met up with Meredith and we went for a beer and a catch up, which was really good. It's funny how little you can get to see someone when there are shows involved! Hopefully they might make a return visit to London in October and have a little more hanging out time then.

Eventually it was time for our final show - and Rachael and Seth's final show. Seth's voice managed to hold out long enough to make it to the end, and he threw everything he had into his last set. He did the amazing cover of 'Man In The Mirror' again (which I vastly prefer to the original), as well as his own stuff. I will really miss hearing 'Walk Katy Home' and 'No Place To Land', which I thought were fantastic but are new, and not on any of his records. He played Naia for me again, as he had done every night, and I don't think I would get sick of it if I was to hear it every night for a month. I still think the first line, 'I've been waiting for Naia by the stereo, to have the best song on when she arrives' is one of the best opening lines I've ever heard in a song. And Meredith told me he wrote it when he was only 16! Amazing...

Rachael sadly did NOT take a leaf out of Seth's book, request-wise, and didn't play the song I asked for ('Slow Down') in any of the five shows. You'd think she wasn't just a human jukebox existing for my entertainment or something :) Her set was good though - she mixed up the order a bit more, and threw 'Bravedancing' in for good measure. I also really enjoyed her playing '93 Maidens' on this tour. It worked really well with the band she had with her. And the cover of 'Fame' really is brilliant - I am very glad she'll be recording it - to coincide with the film's release. She also has a song in the film! albeit a bastardised version of 'Too Many Women' - but I can't wait to go and see it and see her name in the credits at the end.

We said our goodbyes and walked back the apartment, feeling pretty impressed with ourselves for having managed 15 shows in 5 days (and at least one of us actually SAW all 15), and settled in for our last night of sleep (mother willingly relegated to sofa, having accepted Darth Vader status).

Packed up this morning and now on the bumpiest train ever back to London. Thus endeth my Edinburgh review, but it will be no surprise to anyone who has read the whole thing that my festival picks were:

Laura Solon: Rabbit Faced Story Soup

Daniel Kitson: We Are Gathered Here

Mark Thomas: Manifesto

Gavin Osborn: Meeting Your Heroes

and, of course:

Sequins and Shpiel: An Evening With New York's Rachael Sage (special guest: Seth Glier)

Normal service (i.e. infrequent updating and random links) to be resumed tomorrow. Or whenever :)

Edinburgh Day Four

Sorry for the tardiness... too much fun, too little time. Now I'm on the train on the way back, I can catch up properly. So, day 4:

We had nothing scheduled until Rachael and Seth at 8pm (and two shows afterwards) so tried to have a quiet morning. Slept in different rooms, thank God, so I did actually get some sleep. Plus, my mother was more than happy to sleep in the living room as there was a giant spider in the bedroom. Took me ages to get that spider into the right place :)

We did a bit of shopping and wandering before heading back to the apartment to rest and prepare for our late night. One of us was prepared and didn't sleep through anything...the other, not so much. We went to the Dazzle exhibition at the Traverse Theatre and had lunch there as well. I liked it, but the baby wasn't sure. Very busy day for the baby all round, as she barely seemed to stop kicking or spinning around, or whatever it is she does in there. I imagine a hamster wheel...

Rachael and Seth were excellent again. Baby cemented her angsty preferences by kicking especially at 'The Trouble With People' and 'Naia' for Seth, and 'What If' and 'Hit Song' for Rachael. We couldn't hang around afterwards, as we had to head quickly to Cowgate for Geraldine Quinn at the Underbelly. She's an Aussie performer who did a sort of comedy rock opera called 'Hex and the City'. But it didn't hang together too well. She didn't carry the bits in between the songs confidently, and the basic premise (that she would be burned as a witch for having ginger hair) didn't really work. Unfortunate, as there were some funny lines in the song, and I felt that with a bit more work, the show could have been decent. Ah well...

From there, we walked to the Stand to see Daniel Kitson's midnight show, which my mother managed to sleep through a large portion of. Such a shame, as it was probably my favourite show of the festival. It was definitely a little rough around the edges, but as he said in jest himself - even a half-assed Daniel Kitson is way better than pretty much anyone else at full power. The show was about death, among other things, and managed to be amazingly touching with its specificity. There aren't many comedy shows that can touch me emotionally in the same way that a song or a book can, but this show did just that. And of course, he's extremely funny. I was gutted afterwards that I hadn't booked for his play as well - which was, of course, sold out by then.

Stumbled home and fell into bed. Allowed my mother back into the bedroom on the grounds of sympathy and assertions that she was feeling clearer of head. Mistake, as I woke up several times, convinced Darth Vader was in the room...

Edinburgh Day Three

Another day dawns bright and fair - wait, that's not right, start again. Good morning, it is pissing it down here in Edinburgh, and it looks as though the sky will be set to 'gloomy' all day. Annoyingly, I scheduled less for our last couple of days as I figured we'd wander around a bit. Bah. Still, we can always turn up and get tickets for stuff, should the mood strike, I'm sure.

So, I decided to wander into town myself yesterday, as I had heard there was an Orla Kiely sample sale on, and I am a fan of the sample sale. I worked out what bus to get and where to get off, so far so good. Boarded the bus and asked for a £3 day pass, handing over my fiver. 'You need the correct change' remarked the bus driver, somewhat disinterestedly. 'You don't have any change?' I asked. 'Correct change only', he repeated, automaton style. 'So I can't get on the bus, even though I have both the desire to travel, and the funds with which to make that dream a reality?', I should have said, but didn't. 'You can get change at that garage across the road', said a helpful woman behind me. 'Of course, the bus will be gone by the time you get back', she added less helpfully. So I trudged off the bus, muttering all sorts of 'Scottish bus driver throws pregnant woman off bus' tabloid headlines to myself, and went across the road to the garage. Just at that moment, a giant black cloud appeared from nowhere and deposited a heavy shower on my head. I like to think the bus driver smiled as he saw this through his rearview mirror... Oh well, I thought as I collected my change, at least there will be another bus in 15 minutes. But of course I had forgotten it was a Sunday: day of infrequent buses and sad, sad Deborahs. So all in all, I waited at the bus stop for 40 minutes - 10 for the first bus, and 30 for the second. When I got onto the second, a woman behind me tried to pay for her day pass with a five pound note. AHA! I thought with an internal smile, allowing the part of myself that was secretly pleased every time someone else got into trouble at school (because at least it wasn't me), to emerge temporarily - don't you know you have to have the CORRECT CHANGE, Madam? Now you will have to wait half an hour in the rain too! But - what is this? People on the bus start offering to change her five pound note for her. She then takes a seat next to me, not realising that I am APOPLECTIC WITH RAGE and tempted to make her eat the rest of her change (two pounds, maths fans). Breathe...breathe...breathe...

Like the good (ex-Heat-reading) consumer I am, I knew that my Sunday could only be salvaged with some successful shopping. No pressure, Orla... Luckily, the sample sale did not disappoint and I got an awesome coat (which even in a size 10 did up over the bump...for now) for £60, a fraction of the retail price. Hurrah! Also picked up a cute purse and a make up bag. Rage abated, mood much improved for the rest of the day. Just call me Bridget Jones. No, really, really don't.

Came back to the apartment and made some salad for lunch, and then managed to nap for an hour and a half. Felt a little woozled afterwards but don't think I would have managed the rest of the evening without it.

We headed off to the Stand on York Street to see Mark Thomas and his 'Manifesto' show. He was excellent, and I highly recommend the show to anyone (well, not to Tories - but really, how many Tory readers do I have?!). He's doing some shows at the Tricycle in Sept and Oct, for all you London folks. I won't spoil the show for you, but I will tell you that both mine and my mother's official policy suggestions made it into his 'yes' pile. And only one of them was 'Edinburgh buses should carry change' (this got a particularly large cheer from the crowd... so I guess I was not alone) - and it wasn't even my suggestion! Mine was a rather more in-depth 'reduce your patriarchal footprint policy', which Mark liked and had some cool things to say. He also made an effort to talk to me before the show when we were waiting to go in, rather than hiding out backstage, which I think says a lot. Also, he's really nice :)

Bit of a rush to get from there to Rachael's show, and no time to eat. We tried to get food at the venue, but they'd stopped serving two minutes earlier BECAUSE IT'S SUNDAY. You begin to see why people have a problem with God...

Rachael and Seth both did great shows. Seth was still buzzing from having met David Byrne the night before, and Rachael is definitely happier with a bigger audience. I wish she'd mix up the setlist just a little bit more, though I know it's harder with the band. 'Sistersong' into 'Hit Song' was cool the first night, but after three times, I'm a little over it, especially as there are other songs I really want to hear (even though I love 'Sistersong' especially with Seth on glockenspiel). 'What If' was really good again though, and makes the baby kick, which Meredith thinks means that the baby is already angsty. Bring on the teenage years! Rachael promised to play 'Slow Down' at some point... only two shows left... maybe a gentle reminder tonight :)

We then headed over to Cowgate for our last show, Is The Daily Mail Dead Yet. Sadly, the show did not live up to its title. It was just one guy doing stand up, and although he had his moments, it was just not good enough. I also really hate comedians who think they're being really progressive and liberal by slagging off, say, the Daily Mail because of its racism or class hatred, but then see no inconsistency in their own regressive sexism. I walked out at the point of him suggesting we incentivise schoolboys to work harder by giving them prostitutes. My mother followed me, but didn't know why I'd walked out, as she was asleep. Says it all really.

Cab home... separate rooms... and sleep........

Edinburgh Day Two

I am very tired as I write this. Ah, you nod sagely, another late night at the fringe, or perhaps some after-hours partying? No. My mother kept me awake all night snoring like a JET ENGINE. Fuck me, the woman is loud. It happened the night before as well, but when I yelled at her or smacked her arm, she stopped for a while. Last night, nothing worked. Every time she stopped for ten minutes, I couldn't sleep because I was waiting for it to start again. As it inevitably did. Now I know we all have fantasies about killing our parents... but people - I had the pillow IN MY HAND. I dragged my pillows and duvet to the living room, shut the door and attempted to get some sleep on the sofa, that even for a 5'3" shortarse like me, was too short. She's acting all affronted this morning because I now HATE HER WITH EVERY FIBRE OF MY BEING... but dear God, I can't do another three nights like that. Anyway, back to the festival...

We wandered round and did a bit of shopping yesterday morning and early afternoon. I found a sweet shop to take care of all my sugary needs. My bag now holds essentials such as pear drops, rhubarb and custards, aniseed balls and sherbert lemons. Also got a couple of baby things. Like a small stripy hat with ears. What do you mean, unessential item?

First entertainment up was Laura Solon's 'Rabbit Faced Story Soup' at the Assembly Rooms. She won the Perrier in 2005 and this was her first visit since then. I have to say she was truly incredible. She told a story, and acted out all the characters from it - so a sketch show, but with a thread linking everything. She had some awesome lines and was very quick and smart. I would see the show again in a second, so I hope it comes to London.

We went to get some Thai food, which was very good, and well timed, as a heavy shower started just as we were about to go in. After that we headed off to Rachael and Seth on Market Street. Far more people in the audience tonight, and Rachael fed off that energy much better and created a whole load of her own. Highlights for me were 'What If' (so much better live than on the record) from Rachael's set, and 'Got To Get Away From Here' from Seth's. Of course, he was made to cartwheel again during Rachael's show. Twice.

We then headed back to the Assembly Rooms to catch Rich Hall, who was in a much bigger venue. He was pretty good - he mainly interacted with the audience and improvised, but he had some other bits in there as well. I hadn't realised just how Bill Hicks he is in delivery style. Which made me wish I was seeing Bill Hicks - but that wasn't Rich Hall's fault. Verdict: good but not as fantastic as Laura Solon. She's going to be the one to beat, I think.

Walked back to the apartment, and had a hot bath and got into bed. Little did I know that that was where the crappy portion of the day would begin :)

More tomorrow!

Edinburgh Day One

First I must apologise for being stupid enough to have left my camera lead behind, so I will have to update photos when I get back - unless I start taking them on my iphone instead.

Anyway... the train journey yesterday was fine, although I expected a little more from my first-class experience...like maybe only about six people in the carriage. But no, it was fairly rammed, and I had to share my table with a couple of old people who refused to stop talking for the entire journey. I wouldn't have minded if they were interesting, but it was the worst sort of inanity, sadly. I moved to a solo seat to get away from it and plug my laptop in - until my mother arrived at Darlington, and we had to join them. She of course, broke the three hour silence I had been carefully maintaining by ENGAGING WITH THEM (why why WHY would you do this?!) so then naturally they thought it was open season for the rest of the journey... oh your first grandchild? how exciting. we have four million of our own. the nice thing is you can give them back. Etc etc.

Some beautiful coastline eased the pain between Darlington and Edinburgh Waverley, but all in all, I was pleased to arrive and take a cab to our apartment, in Canonmills. Apartment is nice - bedroom with two single beds, big-ish living room/dining room and little kitchen and bathroom. Went out to get some provisions from Tescos and then I made us a big bacon, avocado and feta salad for lunch with some nice toasted seeds and baby vine tomatoes. My mother's shopping on the other hand, consisted of ridiculous items such as 'bananitos'. No, I never heard of them either. Look it up. Ludicrous.

Town is about a 15 minute walk away, past some cool looking shops and cafes, to be checked out at some point. Bt by then we were keen to get to our first venue - Underbelly in Cowgate, so we pressed on. I say 'pressed on' but let's just say it wasn't the heavily pregnant chick bringing up the rear...

So - first show - Gerry Howell. The Guardian had promised "a young Eddie Izzard" and they were sort of right. Right in terms of presentation, randomness, and doing bits of the show in French. Not right in terms of it being very funny though, unfortunately. It had its moments - the logistics of sending a cat flap to Hawaii, and the passive-aggressive snake queue in the Post Office (don't ask on either count) made me chuckle, but not the most auspicious start to the festival, all in all. Impressive delivery though, I have to say.

Found an old pub near to our next destination and decided to get the whole haggis, neeps and tatties situation out of the way early on. I thought it was nice, but my mother was less impressed. Still, any time I eat meat and DON'T throw up is a bonus for me, so I can see how we might not be starting with the same parameters...

Next we made our way to City Edinburgh, located in Sportsters Bar and Grill (yes, the name tells you everything you need to know), on Market Street. Immediately ran into the wonderful and unflappable Meredith (two qualities invaluable to a tour manager I suspect, given that artists are, by nature eminently flappable). Anyway, it was fab to see her again after so long - not since the amazing Southern food in NYC when we were on honeymoon - and to finally be at the show. Audience was sadly tiny - can't have been more than about 7 of us for the first night - it's my biggest point of confusion at Rachael's shows, the ratio of talent to recognition. I really hope there are more on the other nights.

Seth Glier opened the show and was fabulous. I had requested 'Naia' (on Facebook) before leaving London, and I loved it live even more than on the album. He followed it up with a storming cover of MJ's 'Man In The Mirror' (videos not from the show but still awesome), and my second-favourite from his album, 'Someone Else To Crown'. Really great set, and my mother was also extremely impressed. It's Seth's first time out of North America, and he's only 20, so there's an enthusiasm and excitement about him that you can tell is infusing the whole crew. Plus he is adorable and you can't help but immediately warm to him.

Rachael's 'Sequins and Shpiel' set was also impressive - as always. I had made my mother a Rachael mix as homework for before we left, and her top three songs from it were: 'Slow Down' (see, it's a genetic favourite!!), 'My Word' and 'Lonely Streets'. Rachael played 'Lonely Streets' tonight, so hopefully there's plenty of time for the others to make an appearance. The new songs were good too. I'm not sure of titles: one I'm going to guess is called 'Rich Girl', and the other - with lots of sequins and glitter lyrics - I'm not sure. I was happy to hear 'Sistersong' and so was the baby, if the kicking was anything to go by (though I suppose that can go one of two ways)

After the show, we headed back to Cowgate to see Abi Roberts at the Underbelly. We were both pretty tired by that point, but Abi kept us awake with her impressions of a whole range of singers from Aretha Franklin to Susan Boyle. She was really pretty good, and she must have been delighted that there was a hen party in attendance, as they were only too happy to join in and make the show even more rambunctious.

It was nearly midnight when it finished, and we weren't able to get a cab or find a bus anywhere, so we had to walk back to the apartment, which took about 45 minutes. Sleep came quickly, I can assure you :)

11am now, which means I've had a pretty relaxing morning, and am just about ready to think about doing it all over again. More tomorrow!

it's as well to remember that from time to time, life can be sweet

I will update on Edinburgh tomorrow but first, I had to share this amazing blog entry from someone who maintained a penpal friendship with John Hughes when she was a teenager. One of those life-affirming stories that leaves you feeling good about the world...

Sex makes you fat

Seriously! And my Edinburgh blog will start tomorrow so tune in for updates on what I'm doing seeing and eating (hint: the answer to the latter will be 'strawberry laces')

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Just what you need when you have to do a lot of typing... say, finishing your PhD thesis in the next 8 weeks...

Nirvana lullabies?!

I cannot tell you how much I want all of these (apart from Pink Floyd and the Rolling Stones, obviously). What an awesome idea!

20 week scan

Today! Fingers crossed. Will post a pic later if I can. Half way point! Hurrah!

Artists you've seen more than 10 times

Mine (off the top of my head - may need to edit later):

Martyn Joseph

Tori Amos

Thea Gilmore

Rachael Sage

Amy Wadge

Juliet Turner

Close run thing (hovering somewhere around the 10 times mark):

Ani DiFranco

Josh Ritter

Kathryn Williams

Heather Nova

Nerina Pallot

Placebo

Michael Franti and Spearhead

Dar Williams

Beautiful South / Paul Heaton

R.E.M.

Indigo Girls

Yours?

I never get sick of this

Still one of the funniest things ever, I think.

2009

Why did no one point out that it might be too stressful to get married, move house, finish my PhD and have a baby all in the same year?

oh and I forgot to say...

that a couple of weeks ago, we found out we are having a GIRL (I knew it!!). Obviously we immediately rushed out to buy pink paint and 'little princess' tops. aaarrghhh! I did actually buy a top - but it is blue and white, says 'Pirate' and has a picture of a bunny crossed out with crossbones. Hopefully you all see where I'm going with this....

James asked what I would do if/when she wants a Barbie. "Obviously", I replied, "explain the patriarchal system that elevates Barbie as a physically unattainable standard of womanhood".

Wish me luck :)

And in other, related news, in order not to be a total hypocrite, I have given up 'Heat' magazine.

No-one laughs at God in a hospital...

Regina Spektor pulled off an awesome show in Hyde Park. Being pregnant managed to get us into the disabled area where we could sit down and watch the whole show from a comfortable raised position at the back. Score one for the baby!

Perhaps the best part of the show was seeing how blown away Regina was by the fact that she was headlining, and that there were 3000 fans there singing along and knowing all her songs. I was pretty shocked - last time I saw her, it was a much smaller venue, and I felt a little late to the party. But suddenly it was like we'd entered a parallel universe where a lot of people like good music, which was wonderful. I love Regina's new album, so it was great to hear a lot from that as well as some of the older stuff.

Here's my favourite song from the new album, though you'll see below that this is not the only reason I'm including it here:

Came back after the show and watched the end of the Andy Murray match - an exhausting epic, but so good to see him come through in 5 sets. Finally made it to bed about 1am, thinking of getting up early-ish to get picnic things before Alice and I headed out to Wimbledon for the day.

But when I woke up at 7.30, bleeding and in pain, priorities shifted and we had to rush to A&E, fearing the worst. After 18 weeks of pregnancy, almost half way through, I couldn't believe that it could all be over, especially when we only saw the baby moving on the scan a couple of weeks ago. I was categorised as urgent and seen very quickly at the hospital by three nurses and a doctor. They carried out a lot of tests and and exam, which were all ok, then sent me to the antenatal unit for a scan, which would be able to tell categorically if I was having a miscarriage. Crunch time, and I was relieved that that screen was turned away from me because I just couldn't look. But then the sonographer pulled the screen round and said 'look - there's the heartbeat'. I was so relieved that I burst into tears, for about the twentieth time that morning, as they did all the other checks. Everything was fine, there's nothing wrong with the baby, and they couldn't see any reason for the bleeding (which had completely stopped by then), other than that 'it sometimes happens and we don't know why exactly'. We walked out into the sunshine, acutely aware that we could have walked into a very different world than the one we had when we walked in, and feeling profoundly grateful to have escaped it.

Amazingly, I was still in time to go to Wimbledon with Alice, and though I was feeling completely dazed and shocked, it seemed like a chilled way to try and spend the day. We had a good day, all things considered, though the heat was almost unbearable at times, and I had to keep throwing water on myself (though my mother texted me to say 'ooh on HD, you can see all the sweat on your forehead when they do a closeup of you' - for anyone else who was watching - IT WAS WATER!!). We had unbelievable seats, in the second row, to watch Venus march her way towards another title, perhaps. Here's where we were sitting - and here I am, still pregnant, and having just remembered to take the hospital band off my arm...

How Tommy Haas just became everyone's favourite tennis player

This is probably the nicest thing I've ever seen a player do. (The second guy - not the one who takes out the ball girl!)

Rape stats from South Africa

This is the main reason that South Africa is bottom of the list of places I'd like to visit. But ongoing slavery and racism come a close second...

Cats Against Fascism

Here's my entry on the 'Hope Not Hate' page. See, even Yoko looks pissed that the BNP got seats.

Badly Drawn T-Rex

If you haven't visited Dan's site yet, then you should. A simple concept, but very well executed. And today's offering was a special request for me.

Literal Music Videos

I know these are sweeping the super communications highway right now, but I'm posting my favourites so far anyway. Helen sent me the Total Eclipse of the Heart one this morning, and it's pretty great. The others are also highly snort-worthy. Besides, when your fellow voters elect Nazis to power, don't we need a moment's respite before we mobilise the forces?

Stuart Rose is an idiot

"What more do you women WANT?" exclaims Stuart Rose today. He thinks we have everything, you see. Complete equality in the workplace and yet still we complain and whine, like the bitches we are. So why ARE we whining? What DO we want?

1. How about EQUAL FUCKING PAY, Stuart? Here's just ONE report I could have pulled out of many that proves we don't have it. Here's an explanation of the pay gap and why it is not getting better.

2. How about not losing our jobs if we become pregnant? Yes, this happens. Yes, still.

3. How about not being judged on our looks, in terms of getting a job in the first place, or getting promoted once we have it.

4. How about NOT ignoring that fact that so many workplaces are institutionally sexist, and actually trying to change THAT, not US.

5. How about not being sexually harrassed in the workplace? And no, a workplace where it is acceptable to look at porn in the office, or take clients out to lap-dancing clubs is NOT a safe or pleasant environment for women to work in.

Just a few things for you to think about over your cornflakes, Stuart. Which are probably being poured into your bowl for you by a woman who doesn't dare tell you what a cock you are.

I'm so tired of Prop 8

Ducklings

Tell me, is it my hormones, or does everyone get a bit teary at this?!

Way more exciting news

Forget the baby! I just got commissioned to write a piece on Tori Amos for DIVA magazine. Hurrah!

Official news with semi-helpful visual aids

Yes, it's official. Well, it's been official for some time, but now it's all general-public-official, and I for one cannot wait until the grey area of 'has she eaten a few too many pies?' is over...

No idea of gender, so feel free to take a guess or place your bets, so for now, we'll just call it Little Fucker Who Makes Me Sick All The Time. Not the catchiest acronym - I'll work on that. But seriously, do go back through the last month or two of posts and mentally add the line 'and then I threw up' at the end of them.

Original due date thought to be 28 November, then 30 November, now today they say 1st December. If it keeps going this way, it'll hit Christmas and suffer the 'one present for both' pitfall... Either that, or it's a sign of lateness to come.

Feel free to suggest names, sickness cures and other helpful things. See if you can beat Dan Edwardes' suggestion of 'Warchild, Lord of Battle'. 

Wimbledon fun

So, we went off to see the Centre Court Celebration today, which was great fun. Can't say I care too much about the ceremonial closing of a roof (really, how interesting is it possible to make it?), and the 'entertainment' (Katherine Jenkins, Blake and Faryl Smith) could definitely be used on me were I to be incarcerated in Guantanamo (ok, maybe an old reference), BUT getting to see the tennis we did was definitely worth it. 

Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf are my favourite players of all time and it was such a joy to see them play on Centre Court. I'd seen Agassi once before, against Becker, which he lost, so it was great to see him winning the match against Henman. The biggest pleasure of the day for me though was seeing Steffi Graf play as beautifully as ever and prove why she is probably the best female player there's ever been. Would love it if she was serious about taking a wildcard for Wimbledon - it was so much more enjoyable watching her and Clijsters than say, an Ivanovic/Jankovic match. And seeing Andre and Steffi so happy together was just an added bonus.

Excellent week

So... Monday was the day of my PhD review, and also the Tori Amos show. PhD review was surprisingly fine (and short). The gist was: 'good work. finish it up, there's a dear'. Fair enough.

I took my supervisor along to the Tori show, as well as a friend who is a big fan and her girlfriend. The setlist for the show was not great, by regulars' standards, however, the performance was pretty good, all in all. Loved her outfit too :) Highlights for me were Crucify (obviously), Barons of Suburbia and Putting The Damage On. 

I had extremely low expectations for the show, based on the new album and how much I don't like it. And none of the new songs performed live did anything to change my mind (though I did quite like 'Curtain Call'). 'Mary Jane' was the low point of the evening, completely embarrassing (Tori, we get it, you know about pot), and I think must be a discard from her musical. And it wasn't a particularly long show, so I was surprised that she did 2 covers (3 if you count the Smooth Operator improv). Though I will never get sick of Famous Blue Raincoat, I thought it was an odd choice to open with. Over The Rainbow was a waste of a song in only a 2 song encore, and I don't really like her version that much.

Having said all that, Ros (my supervisor), who had never seen Tori before, or even heard more than a couple of her songs, absolutely LOVED it. And I tried to see it as though I was seeing her for the first time too. So I did enjoy all the LE stuff, and Cool On Your Island. Taxi Ride was lovely. Barons of Surburbia was really really good. And she did perform very well. More intense and less 'floaty' than I've seen her for a while.

So, no, it wasn't a great setlist, but it was a pretty good show, and I'm glad I went. It's been a really long time since I saw her do a solo show and I forgot how good they can be if you're in the mood for them - which I was. If I'd been to see her three times already this week, I'm sure I would have thought it was lame... but I think my lesson is to not see more than a couple of shows and that way I can enjoy her more.

Tuesday night brought Placebo at Shepherds Bush Empire. They pulled out a tight, excellent show, as always, and most of the stuff from the new album sounds really good. Highlights were Special K and The Bitter End, though anything from 'Black Market Music' or 'Meds' gets a giant thumbs up from me. The less said about Brian's hair, the better. I'll try and find a picture so you can see what I mean - bear in mind the last time I saw them live, it was obvious he was thinning on top...

On Wednesday, we got up early and headed to the Eurostar for our day in Paris. It only took 2 hours 20 minutes to get there, much quicker than last time I went, and less time than it takes to get to Newcastle! Ridiculous we don't do things like that more often really, especially since it only cost us £50 each. It was a hazy hot day. We walked by the river, had a long lunch near the Sorbonne, then hung out in the giant park I forget the name of and played backgammon. Four French kids were extremely interested in our game, and so we let them throw the dice for us with each turn. Not entirely sure all our pieces were where they were supposed to be, due to some rather vigorous throwing (and despite the older girl's reproach of 'doucement!'), but I think fun was had by all. We then took a trip on the Batobus, and lay out on the deck watching Notre Dame, the Champs Elyses and various other things float by us. We got off at the Eiffel Tower, fully intending to go to the top, however at that moment a giant thunderstorm hit with torrential rain. James thought I was ridiculous for not wanting to go to the top of a GIANT METAL POINTING DEVICE while the lightning was striking nearby, but I held firm and we did not! Next time... Instead, we headed back to Notre Dame, and had crepes and hot chocolate in a very cute cafe-bar, where the guy working there insisted on changing the music on his ipod to suit our mood (we went for the chilled jazz covers by some woman I thought I recognised, but not sure). A nice way to end before heading back to the station and getting back into London for 10.30pm.

Tired now!

rainy old friday

Next Monday (not this one coming), I will start blogging more often. It's decided. This coming week looks pretty good:

Monday: rescheduled Tori show at the Savoy (and a PhD review...less fun)

Tuesday: Placebo at SBE (YAY!!!)

Wednesday: day trip to Paris - and why not?

Can't even think any further ahead than all that activity.

Am currently hiding/working at Alice's house to avoid the random people coming to view our house to rent. We're moving out in a few weeks (only a few streets away), so I know they have to have viewings, but I HATE IT. The cat, on the other hand, loves it. She follows them around the house and generally gets in the way by lying down on just the spot of carpet they were about to step on. Good work Yoko...until someone steps on your tail.

be a better blogger

It's pretty far down my list of resolutions, but I'll at least make a half-assed attempt.

I have caught the sun thanks to two days of tennis during the nicest sunshine. Face looks good, but back with crisscross from tennis dress does not. Sigh. Tennis tournament yesterday morning was fun. I came third out of about 30 of us. Alice came first. Obviously :)

Last night, I went out with Michael. We went to Woodlands (south indian vegetarian place... very good) and then to the Curzon in Soho to see 'Let The Right One In'. It wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be, but it was very very good. It reminded me slightly of 'Show Me Love' by Lukas Moodysson (not that I'm saying all Swedish films are the same). Plus this one was about vampires. It was bizarrely touching for a film about killing people. And really beautiful. I recommend seeing it before the wholly unnecessary American remake comes out.

Sadly Mike and Gemma can't make the rescheduled Tori show, but this has turned out to be excellent news for my friend Roisin, who was really sad to learn that the show was sold out when I told her about it. So she and her girlfriend are very excited to buy the tickets. I know I could have made a killing for them on ebay (4th row), but I'd rather they went to friends I know really want to go to the show.

Am going to head over to Alice's later to catch up on 24 and the Office. Need to think of something to cook first...

I should tidy my desk more often

I have decided to only leave things out on my desk that make me feel happy. Therefore, my desk contains the following:

1. A review copy of the new Tori Amos album (note: it is not the album itself that is making me happy, just the fact that I have a review copy of it).

2. A notice of payment from The Guardian into my bank account. For words that I wrote. Out of my brain and everything.

3. A BBC visitors pass. This makes me happy because it reminds me that I got to jump a very long queue to get in to see Just A Minute.

4. A Jo Malone box. I keep the bath oils and perfume in my bathroom and bedroom, but the box reminds me that things that smell very nice make me extremely happy. Especially Pomegranate Noir.

5. Gig tickets. I have Tori Amos, Placebo, Michael Franti & Spearhead and Alela Diane all up and coming. Nice.

6. My cat.

OrelSan article

Yesterday the Guardian rang me up and asked me to write a piece on a French rapper called OrelSan. It was the first time they'd approached me, rather than me pitching to them, so I wasn't about to let the fact that I'd never heard of the guy stand in my way. 

They put it up on the site in record quick time, and even made it an Editor's Pick for the day. So I'm pretty pleased.

Here it is.

Obituary

Not that I want to specialise in obituary-writing (I don't think), but wanted to post this as it's about Claire. I co-wrote it with her friend and colleague, Helen, and it will be appearing in the EMJ.

***

Obituary: Claire Epstein (1977-2009)

The death of Claire Epstein, at the age of 31, from bowel cancer, has shocked and devastated her family and friends, and left a significant gap in the medical community in which she was so highly valued.

Claire Hazel Epstein was born in Newcastle on November 10th, 1977. The middle child of three, she remained at the centre of her close family throughout childhood and adulthood. She was educated at Durham High School, where her enormous popularity with both students and teachers made her the obvious choice for Head Girl, a role she undertook with just the right combination of humour and seriousness. Despite what her mother, Barbara, described as “an alarming lack of rhythm”, Claire worked hard to overcome this to be involved in school plays and musicals. This determination was to become one of Claire’s hallmarks in her chosen career of medicine.

Although Claire would have excelled in the Arts, of which she was very fond (especially History), her decision to specialise in science, in order to go to medical school, came as no surprise to her family. With their father, Howard, an orthopaedic surgeon, it was expected that at least one of the three siblings would follow in his footsteps and become a doctor. Claire’s younger brother, Michael, elucidated at the funeral that the lot fell to Claire after a tense game of ‘rock, paper, scissors’.

Claire’s genuine desire to help people, along with her keen scientific mind, made her an excellent student at The Royal London and St. Bartholomew’s Medical School, where she graduated with honours in paediatrics in 2000. She went on to work in various hospitals in Brighton and North East London, and at the time of her death was a Specialist Registrar at The Royal London Hospital, where she had impressed the staff there (as everywhere else) with her energy, quick wit, brilliant clinical acumen and fantastic interpersonal skills.

Always the champion of the underdog, Claire never shied away from unpopular patients, and would frequently see more than her fair share of those with alcohol intoxication, anger issues and poor hygiene while her colleagues hid in the tea room. She delivered first-class health care to all, and did so with the wide smile on her face that became a trademark to all who knew her.

Despite having a specialist interest in acute medicine, consultants at RLH were quick to identify that Claire’s first-rate clinical skills along with her attributes as a true team player would make her an excellent addition to the HEMS team, and they had asked her to apply. Similarly, departments that she had previously worked in were also already starting to “court” Claire and tempt her into a consultancy post with them.

Though Claire was extremely well liked by everyone she came into contact with, she was no pushover at work. Despite listing ‘sleeping’ as her only hobby on her Facebook profile, Claire was always punctual and was easily riled by colleagues’ poor timekeeping. She would often say, as people sauntered into work late, "I realise that everyone is unavoidably late once in a while, but would you please have the good manners to run the last couple of hundred yards so that you at least look a bit flushed and out of breath?"

Her sharp wit was balanced by her unfailing loyalty and generosity to those she counted as friends. Claire would drive for hours, shop for days, babysit at the drop of a bottle of gripe water, cover shifts, offer practical advice (served with cake and Earl Grey tea) and cancel her own plans for any of these friends. She was spectacularly generous with her time, and also had a knack for buying the perfect gift at just the right moment for those she loved. For those friends, and her boyfriend David, Claire is simply irreplaceable.

Claire was diagnosed with an extremely aggressive form of bowel cancer at the end of January, and died just over two weeks after diagnosis. Throughout her illness, she retained the humour, dignity, determination and selflessness that had come to define her. Even in the last days of her life, her priority was to make sure that everyone else was ok. It is no surprise that Claire’s last words (to the anaesthetist who came to intubate her) were “I’m sorry, I haven’t cleaned my teeth”. It is also no surprise that after her death on February 12th, her family found thank-you cards for the staff who had cared for her, written several days previously.

Nowhere was the love, admiration and respect for Claire so apparent as at her funeral, at Rossyln Hill Unitarian Chapel in Hampstead, on February 28th. It was so well attended - by school and university friends and teachers; colleagues from every hospital Claire had ever worked in, and friends and family - that many had to stand at the back in order to say their goodbyes to this exceptional young woman.

Claire Epstein is survived by her parents, Howard and Barbara Epstein, and her two brothers, Simon and Michael. She is buried at Highgate Cemetery.

Tori Amos

Need a new way to ridicule Tori Amos? Look no further - make a movie of her lyrics. This is my favourite.

Blueberry Girl

This is the poem that Neil Gaiman wrote for Tori Amos' daughter, Tash. I really like it.

Puerile but amusing

This even works with UK postcodes. Hurrah!

I have no words for this

It's rare that I am taken aback by how offensive something is, or surprised at the level of misogyny that gets accepted and mainstreamed, but this has done it.

The Japanese computer game 'Rapelay' is a rape simulation game. After Ellen describes it thus:

 

The objective of the game is to stalk a mother and her two children, described as “virgin schoolgirls,” and rape them repeatedly in every orifice until you “break” them and they become your willing sex slaves. You can also recruit other men to gang rape them. The only way to lose this game is if you impregnate one of your victims and you don’t force her to get an abortion. Also, one of the victims may randomly stab you, but only if you randomly put her in the cowgirl sex position. Otherwise, it’s just continued sexual assault with no repercussions. The most disturbing theme in this game is the idea that if you break down a woman repeatedly, she will grow to like being raped, i.e. women secretly want to be taken against their will. After portraying the women being raped in excruciating detail, including "tears that glisten and move in the little girl's eyes," the game tells us that, after all of this suffering, women eventually enjoy it.

You'd think this would make me absolutely livid, but it makes me want to cry instead. Sometimes I think this is a fight we've already lost.

Long Live The Queen

One of Claire's friends pointed me towards this, and she's right - it's perfect. Enjoy.

Claire

This week I will be attending the funeral of a friend of mine, who died at the age of 31, on Thursday evening. On Friday afternoon, I found out that she had been diagnosed with bowel cancer three weeks ago and died the previous evening.

I went to school with Claire, and she was the nicest person there. She was friends with everyone, no matter what their clique or cool-factor. She was funny, self-deprecating, sweet, super-intelligent and lovely. We were good friends - and I always wished that she wasn't quite SO popular so that I could have more time with her to myself. Funny - I don't think she'd remember it this way at all, though if she could see the number of people from school who will be at the funeral, perhaps she might.

We were both accepted to Cambridge, and I was so excited that we were going to the same place for university. Then when she got her exam results and found that she'd missed one of her 3 A's by a whisker, they wouldn't take her. So she ended up in London instead, and, as is the way of these things, we started to lose touch, especially as she was a med student and so busy and tired all the time.

Recently though, thanks to Facebook, I felt connected to her again. It is so weird to see that she was doing stuff on Facebook even a few days ago, and now she is gone. Both her partner and her friend have kindly shared pictures of her on FB, and it's so good to see how happy she looks in them. 

I still can't quite believe it. I always thought that when she had more time, we'd rekindle our friendship properly. I can't quite comprehend what it means to just *stop* in the middle of everything. I can't believe I've lost her, and yet I know my loss is minimal compared to the devastation her partner and family are going through right now.

There's a part of me that still expects the world to be just, or fair, or to somehow make sense, but on Thursday, that part got a lot smaller.

So please let this be a reminder not to let important people slip away, or to think that there will always be another day to call or email. And next time you have a drink, raise your glass and toast Claire Epstein - a truly beautiful person who will be very greatly missed indeed.

Just a minute

Went to the recording of  radio 4's 'Just a minute' this evening with Stan, his flatmate (who works for the BBC) and her partner. An excellent way to spend the evening. Aside from the weird Nicholas Parsons, we were also treated to Paul Merton, Clement Freud, Sheila Hancock and David Mitchell. They record two episodes at once, so I think 'our' shows go out on something like the 23 Feb and 6 March. Or dates like that. Good times. Afterwards we went to a Turkish restaurant, where I had a duck tagine and an Irish coffee. Hopefully my body will forget it just had caffeine..

Films

So far this year, I have seen:

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

The Women

The Duchess

Rachel Getting Married

Doubt

Milk

Gran Torino

The Wrestler

Revolutionary Road

He's Just Not That Into You

The Reader

Been putting off 'Benjamin Button' due to the constant comparisons with 'Forrest Gump' (my least favourite movie of all time), but am trying to do a pretty clean Oscars sweep, so should go. Anyone seen it and liked it? Also, will drag myself to Vicky Cristina Barcelona... although I have Woody Allen issues.

I loved 'Revolutionary Road'. There is a breakfast scene in it that is scarier than any scene from a horror movie. I thought Kate Winslet was amazing. I hope she wins the Oscar in recognition of both performances (though I also loved Anne Hathaway's 'Rachel').

Oscar thoughts?

How to mess with your cat's brain (if it has one)

Step 1. Build a snow-cat on your windowsill

Step 2. Enjoy

people and a cat in the snow in chiswick

more snow in chiswick